“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
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“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Thank heavens for community notes
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.