“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.