“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Body by sandwich.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
The Punning Dead.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Fruity
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Revenge served cold
