I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
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UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Before & after 😅
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I am yelling
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
The 6 types of sex
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period