Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Shhh!
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Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.