I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.