Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok