Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

🍂🕷️🍂

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL