Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.