I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
You Might Also Like
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese