I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.