I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Just me?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday