I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
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who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”