Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”