I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
honestly, i need both:
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.