Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

jesus christ confetti not now

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”