pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”