Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

A Monday every week is excessive

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.