My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
There is so much going on here.
The name, the crimes, the mugshot.
My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”