I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre