I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Finally!
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces