I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
A wise man once said nothing.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.