
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
almost called my teacher “mom,” but I caught myself after “mo” and added an “n.” I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.