I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white


He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.


A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.


I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food


[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*


Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.


Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?


My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.


almost called my teacher “mom,” but I caught myself after “mo” and added an “n.” I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.