@AbbieEvansXO [during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
@PostCultRev I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
You Might Also Like
@AbbieEvansXO 
@WilliamAder Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
@sixfootcandy Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
@allisongeroi I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
@envydatropic I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
@mrtruthandsoul Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
@DanMentos [job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
@pyarinari Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
@daniellebyers I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
@stuartfiddle Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure