I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
You Might Also Like
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Probably my best painting.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave