her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!
Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure