@PostCultRev

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

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@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@WilliamAder

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

@allisongeroi

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

@envydatropic

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

@pyarinari

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

@daniellebyers

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

@stuartfiddle

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure