I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
The answer is funnier than the question
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”