Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

Meowchelangelo

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Not helping

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.