I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
You Might Also Like
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
awkward
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
😅🤣😂
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong