Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

oh you like nyc? name every rat

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it