Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.