Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me: