Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.