I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
The photographer’s assistant
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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