Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”