I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.