I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
😍😂🥰😂😍
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Botany good plants lately?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids