I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
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Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed