I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
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me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
💀💀
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Snapes on a plane.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.