I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
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I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
😼🖥️
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
🤣✨#caturday
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Never forget.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
the simulation is moving too fast
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
man: wait
time: no
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed