I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
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Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.