“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
good work, detective
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
😏😏😏
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
