“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”![]()
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A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”