I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Friday
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL