i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You Might Also Like
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Maths meets science
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.