i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
.. do you even science?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….