i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Every BBC series about the universe.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?