Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

The Punning Dead.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!