Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!