i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.