I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
The cycle continues
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed