I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Hell yeah 👍
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.