I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
he’s doing your taxes
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”