The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
The best things in life are free.
Like your neighbor’s wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they’re away, for instance.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.