I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
