I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
You Might Also Like
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am