I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like