Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

If only

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.