I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
m’lady
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you