Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I put the p in pants.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

Breaking news:

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.