Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Things will get butter, keep churning

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww