Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

My ideal weight is five million dollars

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.