*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other