Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.