Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1567248108651745280/pu/vid/426x354/lmATsrKk_4woPFSI.mp4?tag=12

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

me, after any kind of buffet.