Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?