I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Ah..makes sense now
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
