I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
They must have gotten it to go.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
found a horse’s reddit account
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
