I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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Me when I hear gossip
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Who does Amazon think I am?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.