Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Only Americans understand

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.