Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan