I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money