I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
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These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?