Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

💁🏻‍♂️

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Rather alarming headline…

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.