I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Alexa: *deep breath*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If my kids invented a drink.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.