I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
This has made my week.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I’d hang this in my house.
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work