Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

What’s a Messi?

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Breaking news:

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.