I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
A completely valid reaction tbh
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.